Although I'm supposed to be studying now cause chapter test's due tomorrow, Still I'm giving away a full good hour for this need to dispose. I AM ALL BUT A LITTLE UPSET TODAY--prolly the reason why I am urged to write early today until now. I AM SO UPSET MAINLY ABOUT HOW I AM NOW. I AM UPSET OF THE PERSON I GOT OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP I HAVE WITH HIM. I AM UPSET OF THE WAY I LET THINGS FLOWED OUT OF CONTROL.
I NEVER LEARN. That's what I should tell myself now. I always say that I've changed and that things would never go the way things went like before. BUT REALLY... I CONCEDE: I NEVER LEARN. I never changed. This is still the old me. THE OLD ONE I HATED. THE OLD ONE I ALWAYS REGRET TO BE.
I thought this was going to make me better and I thought I was going to need this. I thought this was something worth my time. I thought this would make me feel HAPPY. But everything turned all the other way around. I DON'T BLAME US. I DON'T BLAME HIM. I BLAME ME. NOBODY IS EVER RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS BUT ME. JUST ME and my pieces of junk. I just wish I threw them long before he came so I won't be feeling this. I should have prepared for this. I WAS SO CLUMSY I JUMPED INTO THIS AGAIN. I should have known I'D REGRET. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN. I SHOULD HAVE...
GOD GOT ME LOST ALL OVER AGAIN. Just like His old ways he'd let me fall and then would make me realize I've fallen and REVIVE ME AGAIN and BACK AGAIN. He's like that. I don't know if I should be happy because He always sees me and He always gives me full attention but I know something is really OVERLY wrong. NOT HIM but the way He loved me. I don't understand why of all people, I AM ALWAYS THE ONE WHO FEELS HIS PRESENCE both in triumph and in trouble. Good with the first but with the latter, NO. God is always the culprit of my miseries in life. HE IS MY ONE BIG KARMA. HE IS MY PAIN. HE IS EVERYTHING THAT HURTS.
I just pray that I one day will know the reasons for these. I pray that I would finally be on that REVIVING STAGE AGAIN. Where I would feel like I'M HOME, where I would feel safe and assured. WHERE I WOULD FEEL HIM.
:))
DID I SOUND LIKE I HATED HIM????
ReplyDeleteNo, you just don't know HIM. maybe you don't understand who is God in your life. that there is only One GOD. according to Jesus in JOHN 17:3
ReplyDelete"Now this is ETERNAL Life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent."
Deuteronomy 5:7-10 "7 “You shall have no other gods before me.
8 “You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 9 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 10 but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments.
that God gave us life and time will come He will take it from us and ask us, where did you spend the life I gave you? Did you remember Me every second of your life? Do you strive to thank Me for all the blessing's that i gave you? have you been patient to the Trial's that I gave you? Did you search for the reason why I created you? there is no such thing as KARMA... everything in life is destined... whether good or bad, it is the will of our Creator. Only God knows the wisdom behind it. The most important thing is to accept His will and be contented with what we have.